APOLOGIES

A woman that I met whose life was changed by a very drastic experience she endured in her childhood. I wrote this for her because she probably will never talk to me again, but you never know…since these words will be here forever, maybe she’ll see them one day...

If I had to tell you that I was sorry, it wouldn’t be for wasting your time. It wouldn’t be for what I said, and said…or what I did, and did and have done. It wouldn’t be for that time that I didn’t…and that other time when I really didn’t—and don’t even mention the last time when I just couldn’t.

It would be because I couldn’t help myself and knew that I should, it would be because I had no idea how but if I’d figured it out in time, I knew that I would. Now that I can be it, you’re no longer around and I literally feel like an unclaimed possession in a raggedy lost and found.

You were odd, different and I molded to you quite quickly. Together we made a doughy consistency.

I wanted your arms around my right and left shoulder, strong so that I had to stay. I wanted you to secure them so that even when I wriggled, I couldn’t run away.

I wanted you to say you loved me over and over, randomly during the day and breathlessly. I wanted to sit in your lap, bury my face in your neck and all negative images I’d be free of.

I wanted you to kiss me lightly and just as easily kiss me deeply. I wanted to go to the cliff with you and dive off the edge rather steeply.

I wanted you to call me yours. I even wanted us to picnic outdoors.

I wanted you to sleep on my shoulder while we lazily watched TV and I never wanted you to be too far away from me.

I wanted you. I wanted you. I wanted you.
But those were the words that I always spoke through.

When I envision someone else welded with you, I can only hope he can give you what I couldn’t. I can only hope that he can be what I wasn’t.

But this is the boldest statement that I will ever make and one of the most honest, I’m sure. No matter what man you'll ever meet, no matter how lovely, winsome and sweet, I pray that he will love you deep…

But I’ll always love you more.